Compassion in the Dark

I find myself wanting to write down these feelings, if for no other reason than to let others who are going through something similar know they are not alone.

I have felt grief before, many times, but never to this extent, I don’t think. Never this deep.

Then again, I suppose I’ve never lost someone so close to me before.

My mother…she who held me so closely for so long (too closely, too long)…

I wish our relationship hadn’t been so turbulent the years leading up to her death.

As she would say- “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.”

I never liked that saying.

Granted, whenever I heard it, it was usually being said with a good bit of venom- directed at me, or the world at large.

Still, I find myself thinking the word often.

I wish it were different.

I wish I had been kinder.

I wish I had been more patient.

I wish I could hear her voice one more time.

I expected things to be difficult, expected it to hurt. But right after she passed, I was…”okay” seems like too strong a word, but I was relatively even-keeled, at least.

Now, I’m certainly not.

And I suppose it makes sense that over time it will sink in more, as I experience the myriad ‘firsts’ without her, but I wasn’t prepared for the all-consuming, constant background track of remembrance. The little voice that whispers every time I hear the words ‘mom’, ‘mother’, etc., the constant re-registering of Oh- I don’t have one of those anymore. Mine is gone. Gone, gone, gone. Every day, every hour.

It’s worse when I’m home, surrounded by memories and triggers. Worse still, when I’m alone. I find I need to have a show or podcast on almost constantly- something to fill the empty space between thoughts, to keep the grief at bay. Candles lit to push the shadows away.

It has been difficult realizing that in order to cope with what was happening while she was sick, and to do what needed to be done, I’d been subconsciously compartmentalizing my emotions. I suppose I always thought that when people did that sort of thing, it was a conscious effort, that they were aware of it (an ignorant way of thinking, I admit). I only realized I was doing it afterward; when tears weren’t so quick to come, when I felt the same numbness and emotional distance that had been my companion for the past year, and nothing else.

It’s not an easy dam to break, it seems.

There are still matters to settle. I can’t rest yet.

Hopefully by the end of the year I will be able to breathe a bit easier, to slowly break down the walls and be myself again.

But there is a part of me that is afraid I will stay this way, that this is the new me, forever changed.

Obviously I didn’t expect to go through such traumatic events unscathed, unchanged…but I am not sure I like who I am now. There is a coldness- a touch of steel where I would prefer softness and warmth. I suppose it is not bad for a lady knight to have a steely way about her, but I pride myself on embodying the warmer, kinder, softer aspects of femininity while still honing a fighting spirit - I do not want to harden.

I know that once things are settled and I feel safe again, I will soften. The shield comes out while the battle rages, but once it’s time to rest, I won’t have to hide behind it anymore.

Still, the fear sits, and whispers.

Soon, it will be time to wake up again, to force ourselves out of our dens and back out into the bright world.

I never feel ready for that transition, and I’ll admit I often feel sluggish for a good bit of the beginning of the year, but this year needs to be different.

There are things to be done, a life to live. Time is our most valuable resource, and shouldn’t be wasted. That being said, all that matters is if you’ve spent your time in a way that’s meaningful to you.

Cozying up with a good book or videogame counts. Watching the birds counts. Caring for yourself counts. Just be sure that whatever you’re up to, you’re doing it with your whole heart. Intention is everything.

The world is frightening and vast, but there is so much beauty in it.

We need to fight the darkness with light, harshness with compassion - especially when at war with ourselves. We must do our best to find light in the dark, and lessons in the pain.

1/19/2024